For a moment there, I thought about getting all philosophical about this topic, putting together a whole lot of fancy words, name dropping famous people you most likely learned about (and then forgot about) while striving towards your Bachelor’s degree…
But then I thought, what for?
You don’t have to go to school, gain loads of debt (if you didn’t have scholarships) to dance with loneliness.
Loneliness is like a pimple, NOBODY wants them, but EVERYBODY gets them every now and again.
(You can insert my lonely sigh right HERE.) So, anyway, I recently had a birthday, turning 33 years of age. Like all of my birthdays, unless I have planned some shindig of excitement, the day goes by with very little fanfare.
No, its not that I am unloved. Its just that my birthday is on the 5th of July which means my family views the 4th as a 2 for 1 kind of deal. Because the USA is having a birthday party with fireworks, I get the shaft, they say the cake is for me.
I even had to argue with my 5 year old niece about when my birthday actually was. Her response, “Actually, (said slowly in case I couldn’t understand) your birthday is today.”
Now, this is not my reason for loneliness. My loneliness came as a result of all the change and separation that has been taking place in my life.
Just last week (among other things that have happened) a friend I have known since I was 13, packed up with her husband and kids and moved out of state.
We knew this day was coming, and in my mind I thought, “Well, she lives only a few miles away now and I hardly get to see her, so it won’t be that different.”
Boy was I wrong. I can feel the distance…and in feeling that distance I begin to look around and realize my once full room has slowly emptied.
Where was I when this was taking place? Why am I noticing it now?
When the proverbial room is full, the windows are blocked, but when there is nothing occupying the space but you alone, there is a lot of light shining in. You finally get to see what is really going on around you, inside of you.
In all of this, in my bouts with wanting to cry for missing my home girl, in my realizing I now more than ever would like to settle down (This I have long surrendered to the King of my heart, Yeshua Jesus, as He orders my steps) in me taking the time to admit I don’t want to do things just because I can, I find myself lonely of company, lonely of ideas, lonely of sound…lonely of comfort.
It hurts…but out of pain comes beauty and new purpose. This is the gift of Clarity. When you trust God with your life, you have to trust that even these times, these moments, these tears are for a greater purpose. Sometimes He has to bring us to empty to fill us up with newness. He does give beauty for ashes (Isaiah 61:3)
That room, that empty room I see in my head, its not ugly, it is clean, and fresh and waiting to be filled. But I have to allow my heart to own (And I mean really own) the need for the filling.
33 has purchased me clarity. It has brought me to the precipice of change, birthed out of the reality of need…the need grown out of loneliness. One does not pray for things that one does not recognize are missing.
But if there is nothing else that I can give thanks for in all of this, I have to give thanks in knowing that my Savior walks along in this with me.
1You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. 2You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. 3You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. 4Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. 5You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. 6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. 7Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? 8If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. 9If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, 10even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. 11If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,” 12even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. 13For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. 14I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 15My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. 16Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. 17How precious to me are your thoughts, God! How vast is the sum of them! 18Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand— when I awake, I am still with you.”
Yeshua Jesus has brought me to this lonely place of Clarity to show me the changes He intends to make. I have come to believe that Jesus shows us things in our lives because He wants us to partner with Him in the change He is bringing.
He has brought me here to remind me that He makes all things new. He does this for all of those who call upon His Name. He brought me to this lonely place to remind me that HE loves me best and He loves me most and no matter how empty the room my seem, I am never alone, and He does intend to fill it!
Praise be to His Holy Name!
*Psalm taken from http://www.Biblehub.com
I pray my journey here has encouraged you even a little bit. I hope, I hope, I hope. Keep smiling friends 🙂