I had never felt old before. The years had always been good to me. Or maybe they had been wicked and I just had not known the difference. Life is funny that way. When it seems the good is taking place then it all speeds by you like a roller coaster ride, your stomach still floating in your throat moments after you are on solid ground again.
But when things are hard, the going is hard and time, well time is a thick and dark as molasses except it forgets to be sweet.
I have spent well over 983 revolutions around the sun. I am actually guessing about that amount of time. Sometimes I find it hard to keep track of the years. Numbers are of little consequence anymore unless I am keeping track of my bank accounts, and even then my account is more privy than I am.
It’s only on occasion, grey moments like these, that I remember slower, darker things in detail. This, this child in the photo, his eyes haunt me. The first time I saw his image was 50 years after he had died. I killed him.
He was a man when I sent his soul packing and gave his body an earthy grave, but even then, full grown, his eyes looked exactly as they did when he was a child.
I remember him then too. Hell, I remember the day he was born. I didn’t stick around to claim him as my own. Instead I let another man do that.
I have no regrets…maybe just one. I should have never let him take his first breath. That is the thing about offspring, their future is never seen before it comes. Who would have known that such a angelic being would have been come such a man of war even though he never enlisted in any man’s army but his own.
I keep the photo close by now. I need to remember. I have had so many good times and have spent the aftermath with my guts in my throat from the highs that I never saw the result of the lows. This is what happens when a man or a man-being like myself, lives his life on the fringes…the rest of the world has to pay for a future that should have never been seen.
20 min free write.