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Matters of the Heart

Greeting Soup Seekers!

It has indeed been some what of a long, unintended, hiatus from blogging this week, and I hope that such a long period of time will not pass like this again.

As mentioned in my very first blog that I ever posted here, I made it clear that this blog is about my journey. Thus far I have taken very great steps, in my own estimation into further discovering my creative writing and visual arts. But I also mentioned that this journey of mine, that I have invited you along on, is also about my spiritual growth and understanding. Who am I in the heart of Messiah Yeshua (Jesus Christ) and Who is He in my heart? file000138289502

Novaturient: Desiring or seeking powerful change in one’s life, behavior or situation.”

I want not to take up too much time here as I am still in the healing process from tumbling through some rough spiritual terrain of necessary change. Just a bit of background about my walk in faith. I gave my life to Yeshua when I was 11 years old. I remember talking to Him long before then, when I was 3 even, and this was during the time I had know knowledge at all of Christianity let alone Messianic Judaism (Paternal Judaism). The very first time I heard a Gospel song, I was 4 years old. My eldest sister brought hope a cassette tap of Commissioned. The song she played was “I’m going on in the Name of the Lord.” That was the VERY first gospel song I heard and I still sing the words to this day. Some 20 years now I have had an intimate relationship with Messiah Yeshua, but the thing about intimacy is that intimacy is an action verb, it is continuance. It has greater depths than anyone can fathom.  I love getting to know more of Yeshua and Who He is, but recently He has been digging in my heart so that I can know who I am.

The painful part of this is having to look at who you are currently and looking at the things that caused you to become this way. Some of our ways are not the most healthy nor helpful and the roots of these things have to be exposed and pulled out. This is where the pain comes in…necessary pain if you will. These “weeds” are not who we are and while they are inside of us they influence our character. They indirectly cause us to believe untruths about ourselves and Messiah Yeshua. When these lies are exposed and the heart of the pain with them, a certain type of arrest happens. For me its like spiritual cardiac arrest.  I have been having bouts with this for the greater part of a week (actually since my 31st birthday…no, a few years before that.)

“You’re gonna cry yourself sleep. ‘Cause for the moment all that you can see. Is what is lost, lost–Why me? But in the midst of the most exquisite pain. You’re drawn into a peace that you cannot explain. And the praises you sing of a Sovereign God. Reach the girl who’s last hope is gone. She never thought there was purpose in anything here. Now the seed has been planted and it’s taking root there. You didn’t know. You’re gonna cry yourself to sleep. A thousand miracles you’ll have to wait and see.” ~Christa Wells “A Thousand Things”

God is gracious. He does not practice medicine, He is healing itself. He is the surgeon and in His love He shows us things that need to be treated in us. The thing about surgery is its painful and messy and takes time to recover from. Healing can be more excruciating than the old unhealed pain at times. But when you are living with dull pain your personality is affected.

I don’t know about you but I have been scheduled for several rounds of intrusive spiritual surgery, getting the “spiritual cancers” out. Before, a few years ago when this all began He told me that He had to break my heart to get out of it things that would keep me from being who He created me to be, and going where He intended for me to go. He said a vessel without an opening has to be broken. It hurts and lately He has been going back to that same scar and cutting out more and more. It is a physical pain.

Now this blog is not meant to make you, the reader sad. Actually I want to encourage you.

The spiritual surgeries began to intensify when I happened upon two books; “God Knows My Name” by Beth Redman and “Becoming Myself” by Stasi Eldredge. Both of this books had me massaging my temple and curling in on myself because even in their gentleness and truth, I was made to look at things I had hidden away deep within me, things that were festering and not healed. (I want to add “Captivating” by Stasi Eldredged, the Revised and Expanded Edition to this as well.)

The most scary part of this was that  as I healed, the more I changed, the more I changed, the less familiar with myself I was.  I even told Yeshua that I was afraid that when this was all said and done I would not recognize myself. I would be a stranger to myself. He said to me that I would be the woman He had created me to be in the first place, the real me.  It reminds me of the verse where Paul says Philippians 3:1-11, that he counts that which was gain as loss for Messiah. In other words, who he used to be is worthless compared to who he has become in Christ.

Retrouvaille: The Joy of meeting or finding someone again after a long separation; rediscovery.”

In this spiritual journey some hidden fears (unreasonable hidden fears) have been drawn out of me, exposed to His light and eradicated. The process and pain of it is maddening…really I feel like (and sometimes behave like) I am going bananas!

This past week Messiah Yeshua exposed a trust issue that I have with Him that made me run the other direction as if a pack of angry wolves was chasing me and I was bloody and on the verge of death. I found myself rebelling and acting out of character, trying to do anything to get Him to leave ME and to leave that WEED in me alone. We forget that in our fear, where sin abounds (Romans 5:20-21), His grace super abounds, that His blood is greater than our sin (Hebrews 10) and that nothing can separate us from Him (Romans 8: 25-39). The more I ran, the closer He drew (draws…we still have a way to go here).  He actually showed me my “rebellion” was an act of desperation to get Him to cease from working this ugly thing out in me, as if that tool would be stronger than His love and desire to make me whole….it is not.

There is also the fact that we tire out way faster than He does and He is very patient 😉

Anyhow, I am healing. I like who I am becoming…I don’t always like the process (reference there go those blasted stairs, again. Truth is I don’t always understand the process, but I do know that God is not arbitrary in the things He does, even still, my chest aches from the work in me.

God is not arbitrary.”

Like the song, there are a thousand things happening in my single moment.  My pain is for my good, and this pain is a result of wounds someone else caused. Yeshua is healing it. He can heal you. He loves you and He loves me even though in my craziness I have said, “if you love me then stop all this.” People with cancer never respond to the Chemotherapist that way. Why should I respond to the God Who bled and died for me in such?

Fellow Soup Seekers, these are my words for the day…maybe even the week. I don’t know. But I do know, better is ahead and this journey is worth it even if I have to see it through blurry eyes and tears. Miracles and laughter are certainly on my horizon.


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